Sting Ops and Court Records

Staring bold faced into my fears is not something I like to do very often but in order to get past this lull in my writing I really need to do it. Last week I dragged the boyfriend kicking and screaming to the Fairfax County Courthouse. My mission: to listen to the sting operation from 2001. A long ass fucking time ago. I was trembling and weary of actually listening to the truth for the first time in oh, 9 years. I know that I have to in order to get anywhere in writing this book because I can't remember anything close enough to the story. I need to remember, for my sake, and for the book. Unfortunately, since the records are so old they were in archives so I had to submit for them to be brought to the courthouse. A couple days later I got a call that they had arrived and today is the day that I go to read/listen to them.

I'm scared.

I don't know how much I really do want to listen to the words that came from my own mouth to catch him. To make him confess and be forced to plead guilty it was the only option. When I think of the words "sting operation" I think of the movies when someone's child is kidnapped and they're waiting for the ransom call. Not an incestuous step father running from his demons.

Am I ready for this? As ready as I'll ever be, and that's not very much. As difficult as it may be I know that it's neccessary and I am capable of staying strong with the help of my companion by my side to comfort me if need be.

I don't know what I would do without that fella.