Cleansing

Catching up on sleep was my main priority these past few days. I apologize for being a bad blogger, but life and figuring out this book have been my main focus. Anxiety has been taking its toll. For the time being I am unable to be home alone at night. Every time Andrew wants to leave and it's dark outside I panic. There has never been a problem with it before but I think it's pretty clear as to why it's happening. I hate admitting defeat but right now it seems like that's what is going on.

All I want is to feel safe and I haven't been able to feel that since he got out of jail. The fear was peaked after reading the case files.

In search of the tapes I called the detective on the case last week and left a message on his voice mail. He called me back in a couple of days and immediately recognized me. Which is probably a bad thing considering that means my case stuck out to him. He is now currently working in the homicide department, so to me, that means it was most likely one of his most disturbing or serious cases. The detective was very open to letting me read his notes, listen to tapes, and ask him any questions I want. Honestly his enthusiasm with helping me has made me excited to get this done. I'm just waiting for his call to tell me when to go by the station.

Sometimes I feel as if talking about what happened is too intense for people to handle. Whenever I bring it up to people I always feel as if I'm burdening them with my problems. Somewhere inside myself I know that is usually not the case, but it doesn't prevent the feelings. There are so many emotions that surround me at this point and I'm not quite sure how to release them. More than anything there is this cloud of disgust eating away at me. Of course I know that none of it was my fault but I can't help the fact that I feel disgusting and dirty. My body is tainted and I can't wash it away.

All I want is to cleanse myself of this filth.