The Blame Game

The words were to harsh to swallow all at once, but I read them anyway. I kept reading the records until there was no more to read. So many things to figure out. What's the purpose of making myself suffer even more than I already have? Oh yeah, clarity. As I read the words I could see everything happening again, but this time feeling some sort of explanation as to why he did it.

Not because he had fantasies about exploiting children, no it was the alcohol, or so he says.

Reading the reports made me realize one thing: he is absolutely pathetic. Violating children is not only disgusting but it up heaves everything, and changes the way a person thinks and feels. It's not only wrong but it's damaging to say the least. Yet this man wants to blame something so serious on a substance that causes you to become inebriated. I'm sorry but the thoughts still have to be there. They stem from somewhere deep within his brain that can be easily accessible when plastered at 1am to make him enter a child's room and fondle her. I doubt that the thoughts of pedophelia are only in his head when there is a presence of massive amounts of booze.

Excuses, excuses.

The man who ruined my life was so afraid of jail time that he had his family and friends send in letters to the judge begging for a lesser sentence, stating how they could never imagine him committing the crime he was accused of. Well guess what, he did. To three of his own children. Yet the company was still willing to employ him if he didn't go to jail. He confessed.

The tapes of the sting operation are still being hunted down. It seems as if no one in the court system, or the justice system, know how to go about listening to them. The fact that just reading this information on some pieces of paper tore me up so much scares me to listen to the tapes. I don't even know if it's a good idea. Considering the moment Andrew went to go out with his friends and leave me alone at the house I had a panic attack and forced him to stay with me because I was afraid, is a sure sign that I'm not ready. I have a feeling that I will never be fully ready for something of that magnitude, but I'm determined to get past this.