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Those of you in relationships, gay or straight, know what I'm talking about. You know that disgusting feeling you get when The Ex calls? That's it. You may not admit it and you may say "I trust my significant other," but that doesn't mean shit. You may trust that person, but you still don't want them talking to their ex 24-7, it just gets a little weird.
The lines start to get a little blurry though when you enter the territory of people they have talked to. Whatever the hell that means. The girl you could have seen yourself in a relationship with, the guy you casually flirted with and dated. Nothing ever came out of it relationship wise but there was still something, sexual, or just emotional. There is still a little bit of attachment where something could still possibly develop. Honestly in my head this sort of "friendship" is a little bit harder to handle being the girlfriend.
I know that in my previous relationship I had the "we never really tried I wonder if it would've worked" problem, but it was me. I cheated, not because I wanted to intentionally hurt The Significant Other, but because there was this person, girl in this case, that I liked but never really got a chance to see how it would turn out. Its like the case of an affair when you promise to leave the person you're with for The Other, but it just never works out. For either party involved. It's always a game with your mind. There's a comfort level being with the person you are currently with, and then there's something new and exciting and possibly more sexually pleasing with The Other that is uncharted territory. I refuse to put myself in similar situations anymore. It puts me in a horrible personal conflict and I can never make up my mind as it is. I never wanted to intentionally hurt anyone but when I put myself in that situation it was inevitable.
In my opinion it's a little easier to deal with The Ex because that's been over. They ended it for whatever reason and there was closure hopefully. With a break up there are unanswered questions like what did I do wrong, but with The Other there are so many more. Could I be happier? Is that what's supposed to be? Am I really in love? It starts to really fuck shit up in the brain.
Unfortunately, in my situations with cheating there has always been The Other or The Ex. It was never just some random from the bar. There is one instance when you have to be worried about The Ex. First loves always hit the hardest. They linger in your heart and tear everything to pieces. I can't tell you how many times I cheated with my first love. I was engaged, and I cheated on my fiance with him, obviously I was not ready. Now though, I can say that I am completely repulsed by the idea of that ever happening again, thank God. I not only fucked my brain up by thinking about him, but I hurt someone who seriously deeply loved me and wanted to share their life with me. I felt like the shittiest person on earth. Fortunately he is now happily married (to The Ex before me incidentally, now about to have a baby) and I am in the most fulfilling relationship I have ever experienced.
Because of the fact that I have cheated myself it makes me extra nervous of being cheated on. I'm not talking about physically, because I completely trust my relationship in that area. He's a guy and a little slow in the thinking before speaking department. I'm talking about the "I miss you" to The Other, and the randomly messaging The Ex. That shit just irks me and sets off all my alarms and that's when I need to fucking slap myself back into reality.
When I feel The Ex Complex, in whatever shape or form, I mentally grab myself and shake me. He doesn't want anyone else, he's with me, he loves me, he's not going to hurt me like he did. I am happy and in love and living with my boyfriend, everything will be okay. Sometimes that just doesn't work and it calls for a talk. Usually you can come to some sort of agreement and understanding about the respect levels, but when you can't, there's a real problem. I haven't had that issue. We can usually come to an agreement and I have to trust that he is still following that agreement. Oh relationships, aren't they fun?
4 comments:
This makes me think. I'm a cheater as well. Always have been. Afraid I always will be, despite my best efforts not to be. In my case, I WANT them to cheat, that way I can cut out before I damage them too much and things get all sorts of messy and destructive. I know. I have problems. I'm glad I stumbled upon this post. It makes me think.
I cheated once, too. While it's not really an excuse to cheat... nobody really considers all of the emotional drama that drives it. It's not like "I'll hop into bed with some stranger".. there's a lot going on and a lot of confusion.
Ive recently become really paranoid about my boyfriend cheating. Like you, I need to mentally grab myself and shake me.
I totally relate to what you're going through. It happened to me twice. I was tempted to cheat. I used to lay awake at nights, thinking what if I'd be happier with The Other? What if he'd treat me better than Current One? What if he is the one? So many what-ifs and the excitement were doing my head in.
And now I can't trust men at all. It's like I judge them based on my own standards. I'm like 'if I can think of cheating, then you can too.' :( It's horrible.
Welp, I'm old, and I have never cheated, but have been cheated on, so here's my take on the topic, for anyone who cares to adopt it. I made it very clear to my girlfriend of five years right off the bat, and it has been a handy reference point during insecure times in our relationship:
1. If you cheat on me, that is your new girlfriend. Choose wisely.
2. If I have feelings for someone else that are strong enough for me to consider being with them, I will break up with you and explore them. Until then you are it for me.
3. Please give me the same respect. Also know that I truly love you but I am perfectly happy being on my own, so please do not keep me in a relationship which is unsatisfying for you because you do not want to be alone.
I can say with the confidence of maturity and from the vantage point of (comparative) old age that these three points are words to live by. If any of the concepts seem unattainable I would work on ones maturity level before switching out partners or entering someone else into a long term committed relationship. Saves lots of tears, negative repercussions, cringe inducing shame down the line.
Meant with love.
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