2010 Not Exactly Off to a Great Start...

Naturally I was excited for New Years just like everyone else on the planet. However, plans have changed (like always) and now I might be spending it in the hospital with my boyfriend, Andrew. Andrew was born with a congenital heart defect and has an artificial heart valve. Somehow he has come down with Pneumonia and can't take the normal medication that was prescribed to him because it would affect his blood levels.

I'm a little disappointed that I can't dress up and pop champagne but I am thankful that I have Andrew and that I can be there for him.

Last New Years I was "single" but seeing someone. I use those terms lightly because it was really complicated. The guy I was talking to was those commitment phobes and every time I tried to act like his girlfriend he went apeshit. We went out to a party and everything was fine, kissed at midnight and all that jazz. Come 2am we had a problem. That boy's sister was in the bathroom with a guy and he wasn't having it. Cue fight with like 10 other people and me trying to break it up. I ended up in it and shanked. Yes, I said shanked. Someone has sliced open my wrist and I was bleeding everywhere. The cops were on the way and my "boy" ran home and his 2 friends took me to the hospital. Needless to say that was the end of that relationship... if you could even call it that.

Maybe it's my new ritual, going to the hospital on New Years.

Happy 2010 everyone! Dress wild, sip your bubbly, and take some shots for me! It's a New Year and a new beginning.

A Letter to Winter

I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache and the feeling of my sinuses about to explode. Every year during the winter time I get sick. It's a guarantee. I hate it, but have come to except it.

Everyday when I leave my house I am bundled in a sweater, scarf, gloves, probably another sweater, and my coat. Sometimes I even wear leggings under my pants. The fact is, I'm just always cold, which in turn makes me despise winter with a passion. Sure the snow is pretty but that's about it. So here's my letter to this dreadful season:

Dear Winter,
I know you have to come around every three seasons, I just wish you would chill the fuck out... well not chill, but crisp? I digress. There are days that I don't leave the house because I can't handle your cold air penetrating through my many layers of clothes.

I'm all for pretty snow but when it inhibits the driving of the majority of the population I just can't take it. What normally takes 5 minutes without snow takes 20 with the stupid people who can't drive in your stupid crap. Besides, snow is annoying after one day because it just turns brown and muddy.

Winter, I would love to move somewhere where you are warmer but I'm too poor and can't get a different job to save my life. So just go fuck yourself because I'm tired of your shenanigans. I want to wear pretty dresses with cute heels but it's impossible because I have to wear 59283473 million layers to stay moderately warm. I'm dropping you like a bad habit and we are no longer friends.

Best wishes (not really),
Heather

It's All Vegan

Personally, I'm not a huge fan of "going green" completely because I'm just too fucking lazy to do all that crazy shit. I recycle when I can and I try to turn off all the lights and the water. Let's be honest, going vegetarian or vegan is not easy either.

One of my best friends has been vegetarian for years. She doesn't eat fish but occasionally eats crab and shrimp (okay so that's pescetarian). She just doesn't like the fact that people eat animals. I used to tease her in the lunch line with my hamburgers and say "MOOOOOO" to her over and over again. Why she's still my friend I don't know. Maybe it's my dashing good looks? Either way, Deema is awesome.

Last year she tried to go vegan and had to go back to being vegetarian. Going vegan caused her to gain weight, have joint pain, and just screw her body up in general.

If you have ever read the book Skinny Bitch by Rory Feedman and Kim Barnouin than you know they pretty much try to convince you to go vegan. Some people make that life choice, I can't. I like my eggs and bacon in the morning.

When I was in Germany I felt like all the food was horrible for me so I decided to go vegetarian. I did for a few months while I was there. The meat over there seemed less appetizing I suppose so it wasn't very difficult. However, when I got back to the states I couldn't wait to sink my fork into some steak Chipotle.A couple years ago a store called Lush opened up in DC and I had a friend that helped push me into it. Everything inside of the store is Vegan and not tested on animals. It's soaps, shampoo, face masks, bath bombs, pretty much anything for your bathroom you can think of. It's heaven.

Saturday, after Christmas they had a sale on pretty much all their stuff. It was buy one get two free and Andrew and I went buck wild! He loves the store as much as I do so we bought bath bombs, bubble bombs, a face mask, and a ton of soap. We wont need soap for another year. It all smells wonderful. I think of it as my way of helping the animals as much as I possibly can while still being a carnivore. Hey now, I eat free range meat when it's available too. I love those furry little friends but I'm hungry!

If you've never heard of Lush check it out. Even if you don't give a rats ass about using vegan shampoo and conditioner it's still great for your hair. I currently use Big, a sea salt shampoo, and American Cream, for a cream rinse. It makes my hair all shiny and pretty.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back!

Well hello there, I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged or read yours and I miss it. It's a strange feeling how much blogging has become part of my daily routine. Love it!

My Christmas was a flop. Andrew and his family were the only ones that made it okay. After my parents not even expecting me to show up for Christmas and already opening their presents I just dropped their shit off and peaced out. I'm so sick of being the one that bends over backwards to help them out and they can't even appreciate all that I do for them. Enough of that negative nonsense.

The day after Christmas was like my Christmas. Andrew took me shopping and at night we went to a concert. For all the new people, (hellooooo!) I'm a huge show junkie.

When I heard that SOJA was coming to State Theater I almost peed my pants with excitement. I have been going to their shows since high school when they played at Jammin' Java (a small coffee house in my area). If you like reggae you'll like SOJA. They actually just came out with a new album that I'm still mulling over. A lot of their songs are political and inspirational. The best part about their concert was everyone dances. I literally mean everyone. The show we went to was 21 and older so there were no little people running around screaming "OMG OMG he's soooo dreamy" which was nice. They do a thorough search when entering the venue for obvious reasons. What do the majority of people do that listen to reggae music? Smoke weed. Just a fun fact for you if you didn't already know. I could definitely smell the fragrance of the wonderful herb a few times throughout the show.

When we got there I wasnt sure there was going to be an opening band or not but I was pleasantly surprised when there was. Usually people don't really go wild over the openers but The Movement was true to their name. They were fun and alive and really made people move even though not many of us had heard of them. That white guy could flow. It was a fantastic warm up for SOJA. I left with their CD and a sticker, and my dignity because I didn't get hammered. Other people, well not so much.

I got to see one of my favorite blogger friends, I knew her in real life before we both started blogging but Ashley is just a fun little peach.

I'm tired of stressing over my mother but it seems impossible. True Life: I'm Homeless was on and it really got me thinking. Neither one of my parents have a job, they have 5 kids they're taking care of, so being homeless isn't that far-fetched. Is it messed up for me to take priority in my own life? I feel bad for my siblings but it's not my responsibility. How much is too much and when do I draw the line for how much I'll give my mom? I really would just like to scream at her until she gets some fucking sense.

Thank God I can take care of myself and I am happy where I am. I have the strength to take responsibility for myself.

Wordless Wednesday and Survey Thursday, Say Whaaaaaa?!

Yesterday I had a wonderful time with my bestest friends in the whole wide universe and we did absolutely nothing... except play Beatles Rock Band. It was fun and fantastic.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I don't even know if I'm going to go to work, but I'm assuming not. If I do I will be bored as hell (more than usual) because I'm pretty sure no one will need their phones fixed. All I do is answer advertisement calls on days like that and get paid for it. I know I should be grateful right? Sorry, but I like actual human contact. I work in a basement of an office building. I don't even see sunlight.

Here's to a white Christmas and all the love we'll be feelin' on Friday. Happy Holiday's everyone. Cherish your loved ones and have fun.

Andrew and I decided to have a little family photoshoot in front of our Christmas


We really like Johnny Cupcakes.

I just love love love this picture.

1. When do you put up and take down your Christmas decorations?
Since this is pretty much my first Christmas as my own "family" (yes, Andrew and my dog are now my family) we have started our own traditions. We got the tree the weekend after Thanksgiving and put it up. We didn't have any decorations for it so I just put some lights up. After about a week and a half we made some decorations and put them up on the tree.

My family usually takes it all down around New Years so I'm sure that's when I'll take mine down too. I don't even know what you do with the Christmas tree... take it to the curb for the trash man or what?

2. What do you do to simplify the holiday season?
How is it even possible to simplify the holiday season? I try to get all my shopping done early. I never never never like to go to the mall a week before Christmas and I think that it is insane how people do.

Yesterday my friend went to Tyson's and was trying to leave the parking garage for THREE HOURS. No way in hell you will catch me doing that nonsense!

3. What do you do to remind yourself and your family what the Christmas season is all about?
I just try to remind myself that I am alive and healthy, well somewhat healthy. The most important part of the holiday season for me is being around the people you love and care about.

4. How do you spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day?
This year will be very different from the past years because I have a completely different life. Christmas Eve Andrew has to work so I'll be home by myself (most likely not working, unless I just feel like it) until he gets off. I just assume it will be the same as every day pretty much.

Christmas we will wake up and open our presents for each other and check our stockings. At 8am we will head over to his mom's house and open more presents. After that we haead to my mom's for more presents. We'll probably go to a nice dinner in the evening as well.

5. What is your favorite Christmas tradition?
Decorating the house of course. I had so much fun doing it this year because I could decorate it how I wanted to. Not the way my mother does because it's so horribly tacky.

6. Did you do the whole Santa thing growing up? What do you like/not like about continuing the tradition?
I don't remember if when I was little I saw Santa but I know that every year in my neighborhood there was a Santa that rode around on a fire truck. I think when I have kids I will definitely take them to get pictures with Santa but I myself don't really care.

7. What is your favorite Christmas cookie?
The only cookies I made this year were sugar cookies. I made them in Christmas shapes and they were wonderful.

8. How do you take your egg nog?
Not too much because it will make me barf. At Harris Teeter they had it with Southern Comfort and it really made me want to try it!

9. What is your favorite Christmas carol and why?
I can't choose! It's so great that Andrew likes Christmas music because we've been listening to Frank Sinatra, Billy Holiday, Louie Armstrong, and all the other great people that sing phenomenal Christmas music.

10. When was the last time you had a white Christmas?
It's supposed to snow on Christmas this year and we already have snow! Hopefully the roads will be safe because we have a lot of driving to do! Other than that I don't even remember the last time.


Questions from Pearls and Politics.''

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Snow Adventures

After a nice long weekend full of snow I am back to work. There's still a good foot and a half outside but the roads are mostly plowed, other than the street my office is on of course.

If you know me in real life you know I have the worst car ever. My beautiful dented blue Chevy Cavalier has had all sorts of issues in the last year. The newest one is the breaks. I need new ones, but I just don't have the money right now. You can only imagine the panic that was surging through my body as I tried to maneuver my way into the parking lot. Thankfully, I arrived safe and sound.

Friday night everyone knew we were expecting snow, if you didn't you need to get out more. Everyone was flipping out trying to get the supplies they needed to be snowed in for a couple days. I, too, was one of the people out shopping last minute and let me tell you, Harris Teeter was absolutely insane. Rude people galore! After spending about an hour grocery shopping I went home and by 9pm it was snowing. Of course, the boyfriend wasn't home yet and I was freaking out because I didn't want him to crash. He got home safely thank goodness.

Here in Virginia when the weather man says "lots of snow" it usually turns out to be a couple inches. Not this time. I woke up on Saturday morning to 12 inches and it wasn't even over yet. We were snowed in so I made some food and the guys of course played video games for a while. My doggy was in heaven playing in the snow... until he realized it was higher than he was tall. He was hopping over the heaps like a bunny rabbit.

A couple friends decided to build a fort around our back porch and it was a great idea, a gate for Mr. Muggles! We could let him have some space to run around but not get away... too bad it will eventually melt.After being cooped up all Saturday, I just needed to get out. I live in a dead end so when they plowed they didn't even get close to my driveway. We had to shovel the street as well. My back is still sore from all the shoveling I did. Andrew can't shovel for very long because of his heart condition, he gets tired really fast. After a couple hours we finally forced his car out after much slipping and swerving. My Christmas shopping wasn't done so we headed to the mall and it was empty. A week before Christmas and Tyson's Corner was slow. I thought I was on another planet.

Monday morning Andrew had to go to work while I stayed at home (my car isn't safe to drive in regular conditions let alone shitty ones).

Needless to say after this boring weekend I was actually happy to be returning to normal routine. Plus, I need the hours.

On another note, I don't think I've ever been so excited for Christmas than I am this year.

Why am I so random?

Just Vlogging After a Nap... from Heather Metzger on Vimeo.

I decided to give Vimeo a try because youtube is overrated.

There is no justice.

We went to go see House of Wax in theaters and she clutched my arm with fear the whole time.

I was seriously hoping this would be a happy day where I would be getting closure and some kind of justice to be served but it is not. I don't understand how such a person gets to ruin people's lives over and over again and has no consequences.

In case you forgot, Sam's court date was today and she was free to go on her merry way yet again.

It's been a year since the charges were placed against her. All court records are public, so I looked them up. Her charges were "manufacturing with intent to distribute" for a controlled substance, which I believe is heroin. I also saw that she was charged with alcohol possession and drug possession two other times in the past year. How does someone like that go free? She's lucky her daddy got her a lawyer. She was never even charged with negligent homicide because Carmon's parents didn't want to press charges.

There was an article in the post after Carmon died and just reading it again makes me angry.
"Greenlee [Amy's boyfriend], of Fairfax City, provided Somers with heroin during a gathering at his home, according to an affidavit filed Friday in federal court. The affidavit said Greenlee did so 'even though he knew that she was under the influence of other narcotics.'

When her friends realized that Somers was not feeling well, Greenlee did not want police or paramedics called to the home 'due to the presence of heroin,' the affidavit said. Greenlee's girlfriend took Somers to Inova Fairfax Hospital, where she died of heroin poisoning, court records said."

There are so many things wrong with these two paragraphs. First of all, the doctors found no traces of other "narcotics" in her system. Second, they didn't take her to Fairfax hospital first, they took her to an urgent care center which was further from their house than the hospital. Amy and Sam lied about what substances Carmon took so the proper drug could not be administered to counter the over dose. If someone I loved was dying in front of me I would do whatever it took to call 911. No matter what. The bottom line is, these girls got away with a cruel act and show no remorse for their actions.

I know that Carmon herself chose to ingest the heroin and that's her fault (and I still think she's an idiot for that), but the fact that nothing was done to help her should not just be forgotten.

The majority of the articles were concerned about the Centreville drug ring at a high school, which also involved a few people I know. Reporters were mostly focused on the high school student that died. Most people don't realize how serious drug problems are and how widely heroin is actually used. When people think heroin, they think needles which is not usually the case. Snorting heroin can still kill you, like it did Carmon.

I would really like to let go of this anger but it doesn't look like today is the day.

If you're having trouble understanding please read this and this.

Survey Thursday: Really Random

I saw these questions at little loves and I enjoyed them so I decided I would use them for Survey Thursday!

1. If you could change anything about your physical appearance, what would it be?

I've been struggling lately with this. I feel so tired all the time that I just really don't want to exercise. I'm not overweight or anything I just don't like where all my weight goes: my stomach. I need to lose my spare tire but changing my eating habits isn't enough. I also have "gwaddle" (double chin, but really it's mostly skin) as Andrew likes to call it and I hate hate hate it.

2. Is there a habit in others that you find annoying?

There are always things that annoy me. Some I can ignore and others I cannot. I'm a fairly aggressive driver so I can't stand when people go below the speed limit. I'm so OCD about cleanliness of my house and it really pisses me off when we have people over and they can't throw away their own trash. If I have you over at least have the courtesy to clean up after your damn self because really, I'm pretty much the only one that busts my ass to keep my place clean.

3. What is your favorite recipe using ground beef?

There are a few. I mostly love to make spaghetti. I love love love pasta and I love to make my sauce spicy. Sometimes instead of using ground beef I like to switch it up and use sausage.

4. What was your favorite book as a kid?

When I was really young my favorite book that I would read over and over again was "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" I just thought it was the most adorable thing ever and still do!

5. Did you work as a teenager and if so, where?

I would occasionally babysit here and there but my first job was at Tyson's Corner at Delia's. Carmon was so mad at me because she got the job first and she said I was copying her. :)

6. Did you work while in college and if so, where?

I only went to college for a semester but I was working 2 jobs at the same time. I was working for an office near my house and at Cartoon Cuts. Cartoon Cuts was torture.

7. When you go to sleep do you like total darkness or semi? When you go to sleep do you need quiet or is some noise ok?

It really depends on my mood. Sometimes I like to listen to music and sleep, the TV on, or sometimes I just like it quiet and dark.

8. When doing laundry, fabric softener or not?

Dryer sheets are a lot easier.

9. Open toed or closed toed shoes?

If it's cold and I have to work I usually just wear my Uggs. I'm totally lazy on work days and wear bum clothes. I blame it on having to wake up too early. If it's nice outside or I'm going out it's just whatever goes with my ensemble.

10. Would you rather be blind or deaf?

When I was in high school I helped out with a program called Adaptive PE for the disabled children. At first it was mainly because I just didn't feel like doing regular Gym class, but I truly honestly grew to love it. One of the assignments we had to do was either use a wheelchair all day or wear a blindfold during one class. I chose the blindfold. I could never imagine a life without music or voices. I cope with things through music and not having it would be torture.

11. Dangle or stud earrings?

This question is irrelevant to me because my ears are gauged and I can only wear plugs in them. I'm at size 2's right now but I've been contemplating taking them out because I miss wearing cute dangly earrings.

12. Bottled water or tap?

I really don't care one way or another. I'll drink whatever, I'm not picky.

13. What do you put on pancakes?

Mmmm, butter and syrup.

14. On a long trip would you rather drive or fly?

Fly, but places up to about 7 hours away I feel like it would be a waste to fly. I've driven down to Florida though (13 hours) and flown and I definitely prefer flying.

15. Do you prefer classic old movies or new?

It depends on the movie honestly. I like some classic movies (Birds, Alfred Hitchcock) and I like new movies too. A side note, that Alfred Hitchcock movie is the reason I am terrified of birds.

The Book vs. The Movie

No, I'm not about to start talking to you about fucking Twilight. I refuse to even read one of those books or watch the movie. I will not turn into a star crazed Edward/Jacob lusting teen.

The Virgin Suicides was a gripping compelling book. It makes you contemplate life and what it means to be utterly lost in all it's confusion. The book made me reach beyond all my beliefs about depression, suicide, and family dynamic. Jeffrey Eugenides paints you a picture of the 70's and forces you to live it, feeling the emotions of that time period even though you were born in 1987 and have no fucking clue what the 70's really looked like.

Eugenides shows you the lives of five young girls, Cecilia, Lux, Bonnie, Therese, and Mary, through the eyes of neighbors and classmates, all made up of idolizing teenage boys. While they obsess over the girls, they try and understand them and decode the reasons for which they ended their lives and bring about the "Summer of the Suicides." The youngest, Cecilia, was the first to attempt a suicide by slitting her wrists and laying in a warm bath. When that failed she found a new solution: jump out her window onto the steel gate. There are no facts other than the things of the girls they have collected. As you, along with the boys, struggle to figure out the minds of the Lisbon family you come to realize that the answer is much simpler than you think.

I had very high standards for the movie after reading such a beautiful novel. There were a few changes in the plot that I couldn't stand because, to me, they were important. The ending of the book was so much more interesting than the ending in the movie. I felt like the movie just stopped, while the book ended with the flow you we're expecting. I understood the girls more through the words of Eugenides while the movie just gave you glances of their confusing personalities. The movie never really brought you into the minds of the parents either, while the book made you visualize Mrs. Lisbon forcing the girls to stay cooped up inside their disaster of a house for her own paranoid reasons.

Reading the book before you watch the movie is a must. I still enjoyed seeing the characters played on screen but having read the book made me understand the movie more than someone who hadn't. The soundtrack was fun which made it more enjoyable as well. Josh Hartnett's hair/wig looked a little silly but maybe I was just being hyper critical.

Here Comes the Pessimist

December brings Christmas, which normally puts me in a bad mood because I'm poor. With this December comes something else that has been bothering me. Sam's court date is on Friday and I have been on edge since this past weekend. I don't know how or why I let certain events determine my moods. It's not helping that I'm having money problems right now either.

Tears flowed from my eyes when I saw my bank account this morning. Sitting in my office, I just felt a wave of "what the fuck am I going to do?!" There is no possible way to get anyone else any presents. I literally have $0 to spend after paying my utilities and the cable is due at the end of the month. Due to me getting paid on the 1st of every month I wont be able to pay that either.

The words "BAH HUMBUG" aren't coming out of my mouth or anything but Christmas couldn't have come at a worse time.

I'm sick of hearing myself complain, I don't know how anyone else tolerates that shit. I don't know what else to do anymore. I'm stuck paying for my mom's car insurance and her debt to her friend and now I'm fucking broke. Can the money fairy come and save me because I've been such a nice daughter... no? Fuck you too money fairy.

Spending money on other people is great and I love it, but only when I can afford it. I just want all the best things for Andrew, my brother and sisters, the rest of my family, and my dog. I need to think of some possible way to make sure this is a great Christmas. Any ideas? Because I'm fresh out of them and feeling way too overwhelmed to get into problem solving mode.

I'm having one of those days where I want to pull my hair out. I will get through this.

Embracing life while reading The Virgin Suicides

I'm currently reading "The Virgin Suicides" and it is absolutely beautiful in the most dark and tortured way. It's been causing me to think a lot about happiness and how sometimes for some people it is just not attainable. It saddens me that it is impossible to escape the pain of everyday life to feel it's zest. Life is fleeting so treasure it while you can. Don't stay cooped up away from humanity and never force anyone to either. Embrace it.

Rest by Christina Rosetti

O Earth, lie heavily upon her eyes;
Seal her sweet eyes weary of watching, Earth;
Lie close around her; leave no room for mirth
With its harsh laughter, nor for sound of sighs.
She hath no questions, she hath no replies.

"The Virgin Suicides" is full of beautiful poetry. I am absolutely in love with this book. My mother got me the book last year and then this year she got me the movie. I decided it was time to actually open the book and take time for myself to read.

Make It With You by Whispers

Hey, have you ever tried
Really reaching out for the other side
I may be climbing rainbows,
But, baby, here goes:

Dreams, they're for those who sleep
Life, it's for us to keep
And if you're wondering what this song is leading to
I want to make it with you.

Another Saturday Vlog to Cure My Boredom

Letting go of anger

Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

How do you forgive someone who is everything that you hate and has caused you so much pain?

Last night I had a dream about Sam. I wanted her help with something and I felt conflicted. I used to know Sam and I really thought that she was a good person but honestly everything that's happened points me in the other direction. I don't know what goes on in her head, I don't know how she feels about the whole situation, I don't really want to talk to her at all.

20 Something Bloggers teamed up with the ATeam last month and I joined in because I thought it would be a learning experience. Every week they give out new small missions to make a difference in someone's life. Two weeks ago the mission was: There's probably a person in your life that you don't like very much, for whatever reason. That reason isn't important right now. This week, find a way to do something genuinely nice for them. I'm not talking about simply saying a polite "hello", either. Try to sincerely do something that you think will make a difference in their life.

The first person that obviously popped into my head was Sam. I thought to myself, "how the hell am I going to do that?" and immediately decided that I would just skip that mission.

It's hard to sit here and really think about why I'm so angry at her. Maybe it's because she was there that night. I know that I'm angry at Amy and her boyfriend as well but I don't hold it against them because I would never expect anything more. In my mind Sam was better than them. I guess I made my standards too high for friendship.

When you claim to love someone, would you just leave them there suffocating? I just don't understand.

I know why I'm angry. I know why I want to continue to be angry. It's just wearing me down. I want to be able to be in the same area as her and not want to tear her apart. I want to know the truth and the reasons. I need closure.

If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about this and this will clear it up a little for you.

Weakness

It hurts to cry this hard.
Weakness, oh sweet sweet weakness,
You tear me apart.

The fog in front of me,
Holds me back.
Weakness, oh sweet weakness,
You blind me.

The past haunts me.
I cannot move on.
Weakness, oh sweet weakness,
You paralyze me.

I need to be free.
Weakness, oh sweet weakness,
Let me be.

____________________________


I haven't really ever posted any of my serious poetry anywhere and I just feel like I'm in the mood to write. I really miss Carmon.

Yesterday I was talking to one of mine and Carmon's mutual friends. I actually introduced them to each other and it changed us all, for good and bad.

There's always a "grieving period" after someone close to you dies but when does that ever stop? For the last year and a half I have been in this slump trying to solve every mystery of what happened and I can't. I can't find closure, I can't let her go, I can't stop feeling lonely. Memories are growing foggy and the smell of her no longer lingers on her clothes. I desperately want to call her and just hear her voice but it's impossible, because she's dead. She's dead. In the cold moist dirt, suffocating in darkness.

I miss the small things. She made me wake up with her every morning at 6am to help her find an outfit for work and do her hair. We would take road trips to colleges and she would out party me any day. Her run, I can't even begin to explain it. She would flop on each leg like she was exhausted and she had only started. "Heatherrrrrrrr" she would whine to me, "cooome ooooverrrrr!"

We have no more moments. No more feelings. She never got to meet my boyfriend. She'll never meet my children, or have her own.

She had dreams and ambitions that she will never have the opportunity to fulfill. All because she was tired. She was tired of feeling everything so deep. Every pain cut into her soul like a steak knife. Tearing it apart. She fell to her weakness because the only things that helped her were drugs.

The worst part is I was right there beside her through the beginning. I was doing the same things, but I had the sense to get out while I could. She was gripped and influenced by the people she loved and it burned her inevitably into the ground.

It's hard to stay strong for so long when everything is going wrong, I know that. Why would she just throw it all away? I just don't understand how her "friends" that "loved" her left her there lifeless and blue in the face.

I miss her terribly. More than anything in the universe I just want to see her flesh and bones and here her whine "Heatherrrrrr, cooooome ooooverrrrr" just one more time.

Survey Thursday: Life Edition

1. What was the highlight of your week? It was supposed to be yesterday but since Festivus was canceled it'll probably be tomorrow since it's the end of my work week.

2. Whose car were you in last? My own. 98 Chevy Cavalier.

3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? Lataaaa baby.

4. What color shirt are you wearing? Grey.

5. How long is your hair? Shorter in the back and past my shoulders in the front.

6. Are you good looking? Sure.

7. Last movie you watched? Year One, and I thought it was going to be a lot worse than it actually was. I love Michael Cera and Jack Black.

8. Who were you with? Andrew, John, and Matt. Ugh, why do I always hang out with boys?

9. Last thing you ate? Brown sugar Pop Tart!

10. Last thing you drank? Coffee. :)

11. When was the last time you had your heart broken? A long time ago. It's made it really hard to open up but I'm so glad I did.

12. Who came over last? My family came over last night.

13. Are you happy right now? For once I can finally answer this question with a "yes".

14. What did you say last? "Okay, see you later" on the phone to my boss.

15. Where is your phone? On my desk.

16. What color are your eyes? Hazel.

17. Are you left-handed? Nope.

18. Spell your name without vowels: Hthr

19. Do you have any pets? My baby Mr.Muggles. Someone called him our child the other day. It is a very true statement.

20. Favorite Vacation? Outer Banks with my friend Emily and her family, 3 years ago. Wow, it's been a longggg time.

21. What do you dislike currently? Working.

22. What are you listening to? Glee: The Music, Volume 2

23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? My bed and my dog.

24. What is your favorite scent? Vanilla for candles and such, and Gucci Rush for my perfume. I really need to invest in some more of that.

25. Who makes you happiest? Waking up next to Andrew in our house.

26. What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping yo.

27. When is your birthday? August 15, 1987.

28. Who has the same phone as you? Pretty much the entire country, I have an iPhone.

29. Last time you went swimming in a pool? A longgg time ago.

30. Do you read your horoscope? Occasionally.

31. Where was the last place you bought something? Ticket Master! $196 for 3 Muse and Silversun Pickups tickets.

32. How do you feel about your hair right now? I love it.

33. Do you bite your nails? Not regularly. Only when one is bugging me.

34. Do you have any expensive jewelery? Nope.

35. Do you have any expensive jewelery? That's the same question...

36. Myspace or facebook? Facebook obviously.

37. How fast have you driven a car? Like 75. I would be afraid to drive it any faster, it would probably explode.

38. Have you ever smoked? Yeah.

39. What was or is your favorite subject in school? English, Drama, Chorus.

40. Do you have Verizon? Nope. AT&T!

41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? Edgy.

42. Do you have any hidden talents? I'm double jointed in my hands.

43. Favorite Song? I hate this question. I'll just tell you my first favorite song: The Freshmen by The Verve Pipe.

44. Do you like to sing at all? Love it and I do it all the time.

45. Dream Job? Sitting on my ass for $500 and hour.

46. Where does most of your family live? Virginia.

47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? I have 3 siblings. 2 sisters and a brother.

48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? Not at all. Maybe by my boyfriend but that's about it.

49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? Ugh, why can't it be Saturday?

50. Do you drink? Yeah.

51. Know any other languages? A little Spanish, but not much. I'm a quarter Peruvian.

52. Ever write a coded message? Haha no.

53. Have you ever been IN a wedding? Yes, my aunts.

54. Do you have any children? Does my dog count?

55. Did you take a nap today? Not yet.

56. Who has the same birthday as you? My old babysitter.

57. Ever met anyone famous before? Lots of people. The whole cast of One Tree Hill, a few Musicians too.

I was fat then, just ignore that.

58. Do you want to be famous one day? I would like to be, but realistically I don't really have the talent.

59. Any Pet Peeves? Rudeness.

60. Are you multitasking right now? Yep, working, filing, facebooking, listening to music, singing, and filling out this survey.

61. Do you like Britney Spears? I liked her a lot better when she was innocent. Circus was alright but that stupid 3 song gets on my nerves.

62. What is your least favorite chore? Putting away laundry.

63. Last place you drove your car? Work.

64. Ever been out of the country? I went to Germany and stayed for 6 months.

65. Where were you born? Arlington, VA.

66. Could you handle being in the military? No. I almost joined when I was 19 but quickly decided that was a bad idea.

67. What is your average cell phone bill? I pay Andrew's mom $40 a month to be on their family plan.

68. Who are you thinking about right now? Andrewwww, duh.

69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? Probably last night.

70. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Not enough. ;)

71. Are your toes always painted? Most of the time.

72. How many piercings do you have? I used to have my tongue pierced but I took it out. Now I only have my lip, belly button, and ears.

73. What are you doing today? Working, then going home to cook dinner and relax.

74. Have you ever been gambling? I went to Charlestown Races and Slots and won $80 once.

75. When is the last time you updated your page? I changed the layout 2 days ago but I posted a blog yesterday.

76. Do you like rollercoasters? Love 'em!

77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world? I've been to Disney World a few times. It's so weird because my family was so poor but I got to go with my extended family. I was the only grandchild for a while so I got spoiled.

78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character? Alice in Wonderland counts right?

79. Last thing you cooked? Chicken and rice for dinner last night.

80. How's the weather? Cold. I hate it.

81. Do you e-mail? Yes I do. Probably one of the easiest ways to get in contact with me.

82. What's the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? Threw it across the room and it shattered.

83. Last time you were sick? It's been awhile. Let's not jinx it.

84. What states have you lived in? Virginia and Florida for a summer.

85. Do you wish you could move? Sometimes, but as much as I complain about this place I love it.

86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes? What the hell are those?

87. What is your dream car? Mini Cooper. :)

88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have? A while ago I did, and then I gave up and found someone better.

89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? In my bed.

90. Are you happy with your life? Right now, yes. If you had asked me that question a month ago the answer would have been no.

Mrs. Moocher

www.toothpastefordinner.com

We all know there are different types of friends. The crazy one, the drunk, the ass hole, and yes, the moocher. I have had the opportunity to be on both sides of the moocher.

About 3 years ago I was "staying" with my best friend Carmon. For about 6 months I had no job, I smoked pot about 5 times a day, and I ate all of her food. She supported me. I didn't realize until after I had dealt with my own moocher how bad it was. I was horrible and I don't know how the hell she put up with my worthless ass.

There are certain people that can get away with a little mooching. If you have a friend that you've known a long time and they're having a rough time it's easy to let them mooch because you know they would let you do the same. I'd like to think that I was in that category for Carmon.

Growing up poor I was always mooching rides. I was a senior in high school with no car and there was no way I was riding the bus home. I was one of the captains of the cheerleading squad, I had to have some dignity! I guess I just learned from the best.

I am no longer dealing with a moocher of the friend kind. My mother has always had issues with money and relationships since I can remember. Now that I am 22 it seems as if I am the one taking care of her. The only time she calls is when she wants something. My stepdad is now also jobless (Mother has been for a while) and I'm stuck helping them out again. Let's keep in mind when I lived with them I paid rent, the entire cable, internet, and phone bill, and car insurance for her car. Now that I have moved out, I am still paying her car insurance as well as her debt owed to her best friend as an agreement to keep my car... that she still hasn't paid off. Her cable, internet, and phone were all turned off about 5 months after I left.

Family always takes priority, but what happens when it's making my own life more difficult? I know that I can't keep saving my mother from every disaster that heads her way, but how do I say no?

What makes it even worse is I really don't feel like she's trying that hard to get back on her feet. I understand that the job market is tough right now, believe me, but at least put forth some effort. A few months ago I went on craigslist for her and emailed people. I even got a few responses, but she never followed up. I'm tired of doing all that I can to help her, when she wont even help herself.

Yesterday I paid her personal property tax from my bank account and she came and dropped off cash for me. She dropped the bomb on me that Daryl lost his job at Wholefoods.

"There is no excuse anymore. You have 3 other children to take care of, one of them being 2 years old. It's time to get your shit together." I firmly told her. She looked back at me with her signature guilty stare and said, "I know."

I really doubt she does, but I am letting go. This is on her. If my brother and sisters need somewhere to stay I'm here, but that's it. I'm tired of being mooched on by my own mother.

Christmas is in the air!

Consumed by holiday cheer yesterday, I had my own personal craft fair. Originally I invited other people to partake in the festivities of decorating ornaments and baking cookies, but my friends hate me I guess (total sarcasm).

I bought some clear ornaments, ceramic ornaments shaped like teddy bears and candy canes, and a paint set. Andrew really just wanted to get out of Michaels when we were there so I figured I would just use the brush that came with the paint set. Ugh, that thing was horrible and I couldn't even try to paint the stupid teddy bear neatly. Instead, I used the plastic end to paint the white onto these clear ornaments and used some of the glitter I had in my make up bag. All of the ornaments are different. I didn't even know how crafty I was until last night.

This one was my favorite.

After the ornaments were finished there was still a feeling of holiday cheer that needed to be fulfilled. COOKIE TIME. The iPhone is so useful for pretty much everything, even recipes. Baking was never really my strongest suit, but believe me, I conquered that bitch!

There was no rolling pin in sight so the Worcestershire sauce bottle turned into one with some wax paper and duct tape. The last time I tried to make sugar cookies I didn't use wax paper underneath and now I know that it's so much easier and faster. The cookies only took 6 minutes in the oven so it was enough time to have the next batch ready and keep it a fast paced cycle. All the cookies were finished in a little over an hour. Andrew even helped me! I don't think he has ever helped me cook or bake anything.

The best part of the cookies: they didn't cost me a cent because I already had the ingredients. Now that I've had my fix of holiday cheer I am not ready to actually go shopping. Dreadful Tyson's Corner awaits me with all of it's long lines and chaotic customers. Just kill me now please.

Puppy problems, baby making, and statistics!

As you know my dog hurt his foot last week and has a cone on his head. I have to say he looks absolutely adorable. Unfortunately the cone is not doing it's job and now his foot is infected. Andrew has no clue how to take care of himself, let alone a dog, so watching him try to re-bandage the foot is hilarious and ends up turning into me doing it. We've had to put on new bandages like 5 times. HE KEEPS EATING IT! I am feeling like a full fledged mother right now and I don't think I'm liking it. I can handle it in small doses, like helping and taking care of my puppy, but anything more than that is too much.

I know of a few people that have had babies within the last month and who are pregnant. I just don't know how they're doing it. They're even all younger than me! WHY DO YOU WANT TO HAVE BABIES?!?! YOUR LIFE IS OVER. 9 months of no drinking is a long time... okay that sounds like I'm an alcoholic, but I promise I'm not. That's not denial either. I really don't drink that often but thinking about going NINE MONTHS without it seems weird. I like to have a glass of wine with dinner, some beer while watching football, a mixed drink with some Valium... just kidding!

Everyone has their own growing up rate, but how fast is too fast? When we're 7 all we can think about is being a grown up. Now that it's rearing it's ugly head at me I want no part. Why do other people? Am I weird for wanting to stay where I am. What the hell is normal anymore? I decided to go to my handy friend Google for the answers!

How Many Mothers
80.5 million : Estimated number of mothers of all ages in the United States.
65% : Percentage of women in Mississippi and Arkansas, ages 15 to 44, who are mothers. The national average is 55 percent.
81% : Percentage of women 40 to 44 years old who are mothers. In 1976, 90 percent of women in that age group were mothers.

How Many Children
2.0 : Average number of children that women today can expect to have in their lifetime.
2.6 : Average number of children that women in Utah can expect to have in their lifetime. This state tops the nation in average number of births per woman (it's all those Mormons). Maine, Massachusetts and Vermont have the lowest average number — 1.7 births.
7.5 : Average number of children that women in Niger, in Africa, can expect to have in their lifetime. This country has the highest fertility rate in the world. At the other end of the spectrum are Italy and Spain, in Southern Europe, where 1.3 children is the average birth rate.
(Source: US Census)

Average Age Women Begin Having Children

24.9 entire population, 25.9 for non-hispanic population

Adapted from chapter 8 of A Population History of the United States, by Herbert S. Klein, published by Cambridge University Press, 2004 (845.353.7500).

Okay all of those numbers are from 2004, so what's happening now? Are we going through another baby boom or something? Am I the only one who feels like this? If those numbers are still correct, why the hell do I feel like everyone is having children right now? Maybe I'm just crazy and know a lot of people. Either way, I don't even think I'll be ready when I'm 25. Hello 30. Ew I don't ever want to turn 30.

My first VLOG!

Music Enlightenment

It's been a long time since I have graced your eyes and ears with some great music, so here goes.



I went to the Glassjaw and Brand New show in Rochester last week so I think this is appropriate.



Tegan and Sara are amazing. This song is from their latest album, which I love just not as much as "So Jealous." If you've never heard of them, which I doubt, check them out!



If you're a fan of iTunes on Facebook then you know that they give away playlists for free occasionally. I downloaded the Starbucks one that they did this week and Kate Earl was on it and as soon as I heard the song I loved it.



Regina Spektor is incredible. I saw her 2 years ago and she was so little and adorable I wanted to cuddle her. Her music is fantastic and spunky. Her videos are always interesting. GAH! I worship her.



People in Planes is from Wales. I wish wish wish that they would come tour here because I would die a very happy lady.

Survey Thursday

By filling out surveys I hope that you get to know me a little better so I've decided to do one every Thursday.

10 Things You Want For Christmas:

* happiness

* family to be safe and warm

* snowwww

* yummy food all day

* things for my house to be cozy

* puppy toys and clothes

* to visit and share things with family and friends

* clothes of course

* laughter

* good health

9 Musicians/Bands You Love:

* Tegan and Sara

* Brand New

* Regina Spektor

* Led Zeppelin

* People in Planes

* Glassjaw

* The Beatles

* The Sounds

* Vampire Weekend

... I could really go on forever.

8 Things You Do Everyday:

* wake up

* brush my teeth

* feed my dog

* talk to andrew

* check my email

* text

* check facebook

* listen to music

7 Things You Enjoy:

* music

* reading, even though I don't do much of it anymore

* movies

* photography

* making love, oh yeah I went there

* TV shows

* company

6 Things That Will ALWAYS Win Your Heart:

* honesty

* a sense of humor

* passion

* intelligence

* a good conversation

5 Favorites:

* Movie: Everything is Illuminated. It's really hard to just pick one. I used to work in a video store so I've seen a lot of movies and have a really hard time choosing.

* Song: Babe I'm Gonna Leave You- Led Zeppelin, Riders on the Storm- The Doors (I have so many I can't pick but these two have the most meaning to me.)

* Book: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

* Food: SUSHI

* Season: Spring

4 Smells You Enjoy:

* money

* dinner

* candles burning

* Andrew, even when he stinksss ;)

3 Places You Want To Go:

* Ireland

* Italy

* Greece

2 Holidays You Love:

* Halloween

* Christmas

1 Person You Would Marry On The Spot:

* Andrew

Outside it's stopped raining.

When things are going wrong it seems like all you can see is what's in front of you. Tunnel vision. When your bank gets messed up and you're scrounging for money it's all you can think about. Then you're somehow forced to spend more. All you can see is what you need instead of how much you actually have.

Trying to stay positive through everything this month is proving to be more difficult than I thought. My little puppy Mr.Muggles hurt himself last night. His nail must have caught on something and he pulled it almost completely off. Andrew was out walking him last night and comes inside almost crying "He's bleeeeeeding!" and of course, on cue, I freak out.

"Why is he bleeding? What happened? Is he ok? What do we DO?!"

It being almost 11:00pm we weren't going to take him to the doggy doctor. I decided that him being a live creature and all I should do what I usually do when a person gets hurt: clean it and wrap it until someone could take him to the vet the next day. I carefully poured peroxide on his wound and wrapped it in gauze and tape. He looked so sad and pathetic it almost made me cry. At the same time he looked hilarious and adorable so I laughed instead. I thought to myself, is this how it feels when you have kids? Do you panic and then try to find a rational solution? Am I a good doggy mom? I was overwhelmed with warmth in my heart for my puppy. I felt horrible for him and wanted to make him as comfortable as possible.

Andrew headed off to the store like a good daddy and got him some Benadryl to sleep instead of pulling at his bandage. Of course the Benadryl made him extremely drowsy and I guess he had to pee... so he did... all over my bed. So at 12:30am we changed the sheets and I decided to put him in his own bed but not without the comfort of one of my T-shirts.

I had to call work in the morning because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him alone. Mr.Muggles and I slept until Andrew's sister could take him to the vet and I could go to work. Thank goodness for her and all her help.

Happiness is relative. It's not just black and white. Things may not always be going the way that I hope or plan, but that shouldn't determine whether I am happy or not. I can't just expect that one day I will be 100% happy. Not without making an effort. Instead of looking only at what is going wrong I'm looking at what is going right as well. I have people around to help me. I have a dog I love and a boyfriend who supports me 24/7 even if I do have some insane demands. It's difficult to not see the negative but instead of only seeing that, I am trying to focus on the good things and finding a solution for the not-so-good things. Letting everything pile up wasn't helping me before so how is that supposed to change? By finding practical solutions I can now focus on the fun things. The heart warming things that make this season so wonderful.

It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Happy December!

November was a dingy month, at least until Thanksgiving week. I was feeling like I was defeated and hopeless. Everything was making my world crumble and I was trying to grasp any form of reality I could find. There was none. I came to the realization that honestly, it doesn't matter what's going wrong in my life, I'm still doing the right things. As long as I stay focused and strong I can get through it.

Well, thank goodness for December! My objective this month is to at least try to stay positive the whole month. I may have some pretty bad luck but maybe if I don't use that as an excuse it can all turn around. There have been a lot of things that have upset me and made me feel like nothing was working. No matter how hard I was trying it was all just falling apart in front of my eyes. Not anymore, and if it does, I will just rebuild it. I am the maker of my own life and will not let other people or events bring me down.

I have no idea how these last 2 weeks I've been able to look past my negative bank account and disappearing money and not just throw my towel in and give up. Believe me, I wanted to. Instead I found a solution. A reasonable solution that will let me deal with the problem on my own time and still be able to afford Christmas. Who cares if I'm flat broke I have the people I love and I'm sure they appreciate me scrounging up the little money I have to make sure they get at least something for Christmas.

It is the time for Christmas music, decorating the tree and house, and spiked eggnog. Bring on the holiday cheer!



Don't kill me for this but I have always been a die hard Hanson fan since I was a little kiddo and they have the best holiday album.



How could I have a holiday post without Michael Buble?