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In Which I See It
14 minutes ago
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, September 3, 2010
Positivity
Working a night shift, instead of having to be up at the ass crack of dawn, is perfect for me. However it means that I am awake at this hour, 3:30am to be precise. Does it say something about myself when someone hears that I work at a strip club they assume I'm stripping? Why is there so much negativity towards girls who decide to make that their career choice? There are plenty of other jobs to be done, believe me. I just serve the pervs drinks.
Not all of the guys are pervs. As a matter of fact, the majority aren't. One guy asked me during my first week of work, "Do you like oral sex?" That caught me off guard. Serving at a strip club is so much different than a bar or definitely a restaurant. The language I use would definitely not be allowed at any other professional establishment, and the topic of conversation would most likely be awkward anywhere else.
All that matters to me at this moment in time is that I'm making enough money to pay my bills. And I'm happy. So stick that in your juice box and suck it, because no matter how much negativity comes my way I have one goal in mind to keep the positivity coming... California here I come.
Not all of the guys are pervs. As a matter of fact, the majority aren't. One guy asked me during my first week of work, "Do you like oral sex?" That caught me off guard. Serving at a strip club is so much different than a bar or definitely a restaurant. The language I use would definitely not be allowed at any other professional establishment, and the topic of conversation would most likely be awkward anywhere else.
All that matters to me at this moment in time is that I'm making enough money to pay my bills. And I'm happy. So stick that in your juice box and suck it, because no matter how much negativity comes my way I have one goal in mind to keep the positivity coming... California here I come.
Monday, August 23, 2010
I DO EXIST!
You might not remember me, but my name is Heather. A couple months ago my life was turned upside down, and single handed, I picked it back up and put it together. Erasing myself from the blog world was a necessity because I didn't want to write about how I was going to fix my life, I just wanted to do it. Jinxing myself was another issue at hand. Things finally made sense and were going my way and I felt the first minute I put anything in words it would all crumble again.
Words were not in abundance any way. I don't even know how to explain how I got to where I am now other than to say I hit a low point and had no other direction to go. A swift kick in the ass was what I needed to understand how unhappy I was. Walking out of the office after quitting was the moment the clouds parted and the sun shined down from heaven. The angels even sang to me, believe it! The next best feeling? Getting a new job the same day making twice the money. It may be a strip club but I'm cocktail waitressing.
Getting a job was the first thing to fall into place. After a lot of drama and going our own ways Andrew and I decided that completely separate was not what we want. Don't get me wrong, we definitely need to be separate but together is still okay. Not jumping down each others throats or living in the same house. It feels like our relationship is at a normal pace now instead of light speed.
Relax is all I needed. An escape from all of the things that were making me unhappy, so I found it.
Words were not in abundance any way. I don't even know how to explain how I got to where I am now other than to say I hit a low point and had no other direction to go. A swift kick in the ass was what I needed to understand how unhappy I was. Walking out of the office after quitting was the moment the clouds parted and the sun shined down from heaven. The angels even sang to me, believe it! The next best feeling? Getting a new job the same day making twice the money. It may be a strip club but I'm cocktail waitressing.
Getting a job was the first thing to fall into place. After a lot of drama and going our own ways Andrew and I decided that completely separate was not what we want. Don't get me wrong, we definitely need to be separate but together is still okay. Not jumping down each others throats or living in the same house. It feels like our relationship is at a normal pace now instead of light speed.
Relax is all I needed. An escape from all of the things that were making me unhappy, so I found it.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Building the Walls
Sadness has taken over my life and I'm fighting with every ounce of strength that I have left to not let it get to me. Determined to overcome whatever life hands to me, I know I can get past it like I always have. This time it's different. I have changed.
There has only ever been few people besides Andrew that I let in fully, and one was Carmon. It seems like once I grow comfortable with someone they always leave, or drop dead. It puts somewhat of a damper on trusting people. Someone said to me yesterday, "you have to take chances on love." What if I don't want to? I'm tired of opening myself up only to be ripped to shreds. Why do I have to always be the one that's vulnerable and receive nothing in return? I wont do it, at least not for a while. I'm building up my walls again, even though I know it's not the right answer, it's the easiest for now. Just like I pulled the walls down I can easily build them up again.
Friends, is that really something I can handle being with him right now? The moment he finds someone else I know that I wont be able to. I'm closing the doors and boarding up the windows. No one is going to break me.
There has only ever been few people besides Andrew that I let in fully, and one was Carmon. It seems like once I grow comfortable with someone they always leave, or drop dead. It puts somewhat of a damper on trusting people. Someone said to me yesterday, "you have to take chances on love." What if I don't want to? I'm tired of opening myself up only to be ripped to shreds. Why do I have to always be the one that's vulnerable and receive nothing in return? I wont do it, at least not for a while. I'm building up my walls again, even though I know it's not the right answer, it's the easiest for now. Just like I pulled the walls down I can easily build them up again.
Friends, is that really something I can handle being with him right now? The moment he finds someone else I know that I wont be able to. I'm closing the doors and boarding up the windows. No one is going to break me.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
California Dreamin'
There has been a battle inside of myself these past few weeks. In search of myself I have found more than I bargained for. Memories are hidden in the depths of my brain and digging them up is a dirty task. Anger is boiling over and I'm scrambling to turn down the heat, if it's even possible. I want to bite your head off, but instead I bite my tongue. If I continue, I won't have a tongue left. All I want is some peace of mind. Away from you and everything that reminds me of you. I want to erase the memories of the last year and a half because it's easier that way. It doesn't work like that though so I'm stuck remembering all of the good, bad, and denial. This would be much easier if it hadn't meant so much to me and obviously so little to you.
Despite everything, the only feeling I have towards you is anger. I don't miss you, I miss having a person to be there for me when I need them. Now I'm forced to be there for myself and surprisingly enough I do a very good job.
A year from now I plan to be far away from this place and from you. California has always been a place that I've been drawn to so I'm following my gut and doing what I need to for the first time in my life. I can finally say that I'm not doing anything because someone else thinks it's the right thing but instead because I want to, and I know that I will prevail. Happiness is my goal above all else and I am the only thing necessary to achieve it.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Dreams Take Shape
The television screams harsh reality into my throbbing ears. It's not safe to leave my house. Is it even safe to be in my house? Crime is climbing to alarming rates in the "safe" suburbs of Virginia. Two girls that were a few blocks from my house and went to my old high school have been missing for 11 days. Another girl was found murdered in her crashed car down the street from my old house. Without cable I'm forced to watch what the world has come to. It is a bitter pill to swallow considering the recent peak in my anxiety.
Turning at an alarming rate, the universe slows down for no one. Especially not for me. Words race through my mind at the speed of light and I have no time to tackle the thoughts of doubt and fear. Everyone watched me crumble and now I'm trying to pick myself back up while horrible things are happening. Events such as the ones that have occurred recently make me feel so small. I am a minute detail of another person's novel. I'm sick of being in the prologue, I deserve some recognition. Looks like it's back to the drawing board. Once again I start from scratch, but this time I will make my life come first. My decisions will shape my own future instead of some false hope to save someone else.
Turning at an alarming rate, the universe slows down for no one. Especially not for me. Words race through my mind at the speed of light and I have no time to tackle the thoughts of doubt and fear. Everyone watched me crumble and now I'm trying to pick myself back up while horrible things are happening. Events such as the ones that have occurred recently make me feel so small. I am a minute detail of another person's novel. I'm sick of being in the prologue, I deserve some recognition. Looks like it's back to the drawing board. Once again I start from scratch, but this time I will make my life come first. My decisions will shape my own future instead of some false hope to save someone else.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Lies
With everything that's going on I've realized a lot of things. Things that make my life maybe a little more confusing. Last week I went out with a few of my girlfriends who all happen to be lesbians and something came over me. It was like the truth was surging through my body as I danced the night away. This is where I belong. Comfortable in my own skin instead of trying to be something I'm not, straight. I'm not saying I'm a lesbian because there are way too many questions I have about myself to even know. However I do know that I am not straight in any way shape or form. I love women. They are magnificently beautiful creatures and I cherish them.
Obviously that makes life more confusing considering I spent the last year and a half with a man. The whole time I was with him I had doubts, but I ignored them because I made a commitment to him. I'm glad I was the only one that stuck to it.
He's in love with his ex and it's made me feel like everything was a lie. Maybe I was lying too. Lying to myself.
None of the time we spent together means anything anymore and I'm okay with it because now I can finally be myself and love it. Life happens and there are always going to be times of great pain but I have always prevailed. This is just a small fraction of what I have been handed and there is so much more to come. It was just a learning experience, maybe to help me figure out my own path, or to get to know myself better. I may not have all of the answers but I'm digging through the rubble and piecing it all back together again, but this time by myself. It's what needs to be done in order for me to be completely happy.
I love myself again for the first time in a long while, and I don't need anyone to tell me. This is where I am supposed to be, working through the mess instead of running from it.
Obviously that makes life more confusing considering I spent the last year and a half with a man. The whole time I was with him I had doubts, but I ignored them because I made a commitment to him. I'm glad I was the only one that stuck to it.
He's in love with his ex and it's made me feel like everything was a lie. Maybe I was lying too. Lying to myself.
None of the time we spent together means anything anymore and I'm okay with it because now I can finally be myself and love it. Life happens and there are always going to be times of great pain but I have always prevailed. This is just a small fraction of what I have been handed and there is so much more to come. It was just a learning experience, maybe to help me figure out my own path, or to get to know myself better. I may not have all of the answers but I'm digging through the rubble and piecing it all back together again, but this time by myself. It's what needs to be done in order for me to be completely happy.
I love myself again for the first time in a long while, and I don't need anyone to tell me. This is where I am supposed to be, working through the mess instead of running from it.
The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousandfold. ~Aristotle